Executive Times






2007 Book Reviews


You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore




(Mildly Recommended)




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Christopher Moore’s latest vampire love story, You Suck, contains abundunt humor, mostly of the adolescent variety. Moore’s wit overcomes the pitfalls of the plot, and most readers will laugh at the escapes of the cast of characters, each of whom is pursuing one appetite or another with abandon. Here’s an excerpt, from the beginning of Chapter 7, “The List,” pp. 62-65:


While Jody showered, Tommy made a list.




New Apartment


Sweet Monkey Love


Dispose of Vampire



“What do we need an onion for?” Jody asked. She was having a little trouble getting her vision to focus.

“Minion, minion,” Tommy said.

“Mint-flavored onion? Why do we need that?”

“A minion! Someone who can move around during the day who can help us out. Like I was for you.”

“Oh, my bitch.”

Tommy dropped his list. “Nuh-uh.”

Jody picked it up and walked over to the kitchen coun­ter where the coffee machine stood. “I would sell my soul for a big cup of joe.”

“I was not your bitch,” Tommy said.

“Right, right, right. Whatever. So how long do we have to do this list?”

“I checked the almanac. Sunrise is at six fifty-three, so we have about twelve hours. It’s almost the solstice, so we get a lot of darkness.”

“Solstice? Oh my God, it’s almost Christmas.”


“Hello? Shopping?”

“Hello? We have an excuse. We’re dead.”

“My mother doesn’t know that. I have to find some­thing for her that she’ll disapprove of And your family—”

“Oh my God! Christmas. I was supposed to go home to Indiana for Christmas. We need to redo the list.”

“You do it. I’m going to dry my hair,” Jody said. The new list read:


Christmas Presents

Call Home


Minion (not our Bitch)

Hot Monkey Love


Write Literature

Dispose of Creepy Old Vampire

New Apartment




“I think you should take monkey love off of the list,” Jody said. “What if we lose the list and someone finds it?”

“Well I think ‘dispose of Creepy Old Vampire’ would be a little more embarrassing, don’t you?”

“You’re right, cut monkey love and change ‘vampire’ to ‘Elijah.” Jody tapped the list with a pen. “And take off Windex and put in ‘buy coffee.”

“We can’t drink coffee.”

“We can smell it. Tommy, I desperately need coffee. It’s like the blood hunger, only, you know, more civilized.”

“Speaking of blood hunger—”

“Yeah, you’d better move that up the list.”

“And add a bottle of whiskey. You’re going to have to buy it.”

“Sorry, writer boy, but we’re doing this stupid list to­gether.”

“I’m not old enough to buy liquor.”

Jody stepped away from him and shuddered. “That’s right. Isn’t it?”

“Yep,” Tommy said, nodding—trying to look wide-eyed and innocent.

“Well, okay then. I should have checked IDs before picking my bitch.”


“Kidding. What are you going to do with a bottle of whiskey anyway?”

“Check something else off the list,” Tommy said. “I have an idea. Get your purse.”

“What did the Animals want, anyway?”

“Twenty grand.”

“I hope you told them to fuck themselves.”

“They did that already.”

“Did they suspect, you know, about what you are now?”

“Not yet. Lash said I looked a little pale. I sent them to the store. If Clint knows, well—”

“Oh, good move. Maybe we should just take out an ad. ‘Young vampire couple seeks angry village people to hunt them down and kill them.”

“Ha. Village people. Funny. Put self-tanning lotion on the list. I think the pale thing is giving me away.”


Reading You Suck will provide escapist entertainment and a few laughs for readers looking for something distracting.


Steve Hopkins, February 23, 2007



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The recommendation rating for this book appeared

 in the March 2007 issue of Executive Times


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