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Executive Times |
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2005 Book Reviews |
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Why Do
Men Have Nipples? by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg
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Rating: •• (Mildly Recommended) |
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Click on
title or picture to buy from amazon.com |
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Witty An
Executive Times reader called to my
attention a new book by novelist Mark Leyner and emergency
room physician Billy Goldberg titled, Why Do
Men Have Nipples? The title alone was enough to lead me to pick up a copy
and expect to find a witty approach to medical issues. On these pages, I
found that witty approach as well as some serious answers to questions. Here’s
an excerpt from Chapter Four, “Can I
Treat Myself?” pp. 106-113: SHOULD
YOU PUT A STEAK ON A BLACK
EYE? Ice
is hardly as dramatic as a carefully placed porterhouse, but it does the same
job. There is no magic in the beef, just cold and a little pressure. Keeping
your head elevated and avoiding aspirin or ibuprofen, which can affect the
ability of your blood to clot, also helps. The best idea is to avoid getting
punched in the first place. WILL
TOOTHPASTE GET RID OF ZITS? There
are many home remedies for skin ailments, and I’ve seen patients come to the
emergency room covered in all sorts of creams and potions. Some common antizit home remedies people try concocting include
baking soda, vinegar, coffee grounds, Mercurochrome (a red substance no
longer sold in this country), iodine, hemorrhoid cream, sugar, salt, and
toothpaste. It
is commonly believed that toothpaste on zits is an excellent home remedy.
There are no scientific studies that I could find on the use of toothpaste
for acne but it may work to dry out those troublesome blemishes. But
if you go the toothpaste route, there are some things to look out for Perioral dermatitis is an eruption of discrete papules
and pustules on an erythematous scaling base around
the mouth (fancy description for “acnelike”). It
occurs almost exclusively in women between the ages of twenty and
thirty-five. The cause is unknown, but some people think that fluorinated
toothpaste may be a factor. Fragrance
allergies are also a danger with the toothpaste method. Balsam of Peru is an
ingredient that has been known to cause allergic reactions and cinnamic aldehyde in toothpastes
has also been a common culprit. We say to stick with Clearasil. IS IT DANGEROUS TO POP ZITS? In
an unrelated but truly bizarre story, one night I was working in the ER and a
patient came in with a bandage over her jaw. I asked her what happened and
she was very timid in responding. She said she was embarrassed because she
had picked her face over and over~ which had caused an infection. I tried to
calm her~ told her that this was common, and asked her if I could take a
look, When she removed her bandage, she revealed a 4
by 4-inch hole all the way down to her jawbone. She received some antibiotics
and a careful psychiatric evaluation and at no point did anyone say, “Didn’t
your mother tell you not to pick at your face?” As
for zit popping, it definitely can lead to some complications. Squeezing
pimples can actually push the zit-causing bacteria farther into the skin,
causing more redness and swelling. It is also the most common cause of acne
scarring. There is one more deadly
complication from zit popping, which is called cavernous sinus thrombosis, a
blood clot in the sinus cavity that runs between the sphenoid bone, the large
bone at the base of the skull, and temporal bone located near the temple. The
real danger zone for zit popping is an area that some people refer to as the
triangle of death, an area stretching from the bridge of the nose to the
corner of the mouth to the width of the jaw. The veins in this area drain
into the cavernous sinus and any severe infection in this area can cause cavernous
sinus thrombosis. Squeezing zits in this part of your face can cause an infection
and start this dangerous process. IF
SOMEONE IS CHOKING AT A DINNER PARTY, CAN YOU DO A TRACHEOSTOMY WITH AN OYSTER
KNIFE? Our
friend Kim can do pretty much anything. She was like Martha Stewart before
anyone had seen her bake her first cookie. Add to that a rugged edge that
allows her to take on any project. She wanted to know the answer to this one,
and we realized if anyone could do this, it would be her She also wouldn’t
allow the procedure to interrupt her dinner party. A
cricothyroidotomy (similar to a tracheostomy)
is one of the most dramatic procedures done in the emergency room. This
procedure is an emergency attempt to relieve a blocked airway. Remember the M*A*S*H
episode where Father Mulcahy sticks a pen into
some guys throat to help him breathe? The
oyster knife might work too, but definitely avoid trying this at home! Call
911 instead. DOES URINATING ON A JELLYFISH STING STOP THE
BURN? We
all saw that Friends episode (c’mon, you watch it, too) when Monica
gets stung by a jellyfish. Joey remembers that peeing on a jellyfish sting
takes the pain away, Monica ‘can’t bend that way:’ and Joey gets “stage
fright,” leaving Most
jellyfish stings cause only pain and numbness. The Australian box jellyfish
is the most venomous and deadly of all stinging marine creatures.
Approximately 20 percent of those stung by the box jellyfish will die.
Portuguese man-of-war is also dangerous but nothing compared to the box
jellyfish. The
following guideline can be applied to most jellyfish stings:The patient should remove any visible tentacles,
using gloves if possible. The area of the sting should be rinsed with household
vinegar The acetic acid of the vinegar can block discharge of the remaining
nematocysts (stinging cells) on the skin and should be applied liberally. If
vinegar is not available, salt water can be used to wash off the nematocysts. In
laboratory tests, urine, ammonia, and alcohol can cause active stinging cells
to fire, which means applying them has the potential to make a minor sting
worse, so urinating on a jellyfish sting is both gross and painful. WHY IS IT BAD TO INSERT COTION SWABS IN YOUR
EARS? Oh
the pleasure of the forbidden! Those things that you are not supposed to do
are always so enticing. The
ears, for the most part, do not require any routine cleaning. Ears are like a
self-cleaning oven. With the help of gravity and body heat, earwax will
gradually find its way out. If wax appears on the outer ear; a cotton swab
may be used. If you can’t help but go in farther; you are risking wax
impaction or injury. If you do get wax impacted in your ear; you will be in
pain and half deaf. There are over-the-counter preparations that can help
relieve wax blockage but warm water in a syringe often works. As a last
resort you can see an ear doctor or come to the ER for a good cleaning. It
is not uncommon for us to see patients who have violated these rules and
come to see us to remove the tip of the cotton swab that has fallen off
inside the ear Don’t worry, we are prepared. We also remove other things like
cockroaches, beads, and pen caps, all of which we’ve pulled out of ears. Gberg: We
need a list of things for the cotton swabs in the ear question. Leyner: OK. Gberg: Things
that you aren’t supposed to do but can’t resist. 6:05 P.M. Leyner: Picking scabs. Gberg: I
love it when they bring the food to the table and say “hot plate.” Gberg: Can’t
help but touch. Leyner: That’s good! Leyner: More Gberg: Like
Carrie says, “More funny, boys.” Gberg: Making
fun of the editor is one of those things that you are not supposed to do but
can’t resist. Leyner: More funny like, “How do you extract my size 9 old
school Adidas shell toe from the rectum of a book editor?” More funny . Gberg: Should
I leave that in? 6:10 P.M. Leyner: Your call. Leyner: Might be a little harsh. Leyner: But it’s from the heart. Gberg: Slightly. Gberg: A dangerous little muscle, that heart
of yours. Leyner: I’m trying to think of more not-to-do stuff. Gberg: Talk
at a woman’s breasts. Gberg: Eat
your young. Leyner: Pick chicken pox. Gberg: You
just want to pick stuff. Leyner: Pop pimples. Gberg: Talk
with food in your mouth. Leyner: I
knew some girls who loved popping each other’s and their boyfriends’
pimples. 6:30 P.M. Gberg: I wish
my lady would groom me like a monkey. Leyner: It’s all in the eating . . . monkeys
combine grooming and eating . . . that’s the special part . . . picking
insects out of our fur and eating them. Leyner: Metaphorically speaking. Gberg: You
are at your best when speaking metaphorically. Leyner: Thank you again. Gberg: I gotta leave to go to the Knicks
game soon. Leyner: Can we get back at this tomorrow when you get back from
the hospital? Gberg: Let’s
try to finish everything. Leyner: You have to go, right . . . we’ll
talk about it tomorrow. Gberg: OK,
let’s talk tomorrow. Leyner: I’ll
look at the e-mail … and we’ll drive the final stake into the
heart of this vampiress tomorrow. IS IT DANGEROUS TO PERFORM COLONIC IRRIGATION ON
YOURSELF? Colonic
irrigation claims to help indigestion and yeast infections, control blood
pressure, restore pH balance, reduce bad odors, clear colon blockage, induce
proper blood clotting, stimulate production of white blood cells, help
prevent gallstone production, clean the colon of parasites, help loss of
concentration, and aid lung congestion, sinus congestion, skin problems, and
nail fungus. Not
a bad day’s work, but not exactly proven, and yes, potentially dangerous. Colonic
irrigation (CI) is a procedure in which very large quantities of liquids are
infused into the large intestine, or the colon, via the rectum through a
tube. The purpose is to detoxify the body through the removal of accumulated
waste from the colon. This may involve the use of twenty or more gallons of
liquid. Liquids used in colonics may contain coffee, herbs, enzymes, or
wheatgrass. The
machines used for colon therapy are illegal unless used during conventional
medical treatment. The subtitle, “Hundreds of Questions
You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini” says most of what you need
to know about the attitude behind the book. The dialogue between the authors
that’s injected into the text, as in the above excerpt, contribute
to the pleasure and wit contained in Why Do
Men Have Nipples? Add olives, smile and read on. Steve Hopkins,
October 25, 2005 |
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ã 2005 Hopkins and Company, LLC The recommendation rating for
this book appeared in the November 2005
issue of Executive Times URL for this review: http://www.hopkinsandcompany.com/Books/Why
Do Men Have Nipples.htm For Reprint Permission,
Contact: Hopkins & Company, LLC • E-mail: books@hopkinsandcompany.com |
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