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Executive Times |
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2007 Book Reviews |
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The Power
of a Positive No by William Ury |
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Rating: |
*** |
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(Recommended) |
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Click on
title or picture to buy from amazon.com |
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Useful One of the
authors of the classic Getting To Yes
has returned with another book about the negotiation process titled, The Power
of a Positive No. Through dozens of stories, William Ury
presents a useful process that those who negotiate regularly can apply. Here’s
an excerpt, from the beginning of Chapter 5, “Assert Your No,” pp. 125-129: “It’s
easy to say ‘no!’ when a deeper ‘yes!’ is burning inside.” —Stephen R. Covey How that
you have expressed your Yes, it is time to assert your No. In our journey, we
have come to the very heart of the Positive No method. We are not only in the
middle of the three stages but also in the middle part of the Positive No
statement. All else is prelude or postlude. The
essential action in asserting your No is very simple. You are setting a clear
limit, drawing a clean line, creating a firm boundary. The Power of No Saying No
is essential to life. Every living cell has a membrane that allows certain
needed nutrients to pass through and repels others. Every living organism
needs such boundaries to protect itself. To survive
and thrive, every human being and every organization need to be able to say
No to anything that threatens their safety, dignity, and integrity. No is the
key word of order, structure, and discipline. Rules and laws are often stated
in the form of Nos. Of the Ten Commandments in the Bible, for instance, eight
are framed as Nos. The great virtues of No are clarity and specificity. Just
think of the difference between telling a child, “Please treat your
classmates with respect” and saying, “No hitting!” “No” gets the point across
simply and clearly, specifying with precision exactly what you mean. There comes a moment in
life when each person learns the power of saying No to set a protective
limit. I once saw a little boy crying in my daughter’s preschool playground.
His schoolmates were swinging him on a tire hanging from a tree. He wanted
to get off, but he could not communicate his feelings. As I watched, his
teacher intervened. She gently instructed him to “use your words.” He
immediately started saying, “Stop the swing! Stop the swing!” When his
schoolmates did stop, his face lit up with delight at his discovery of the
power to say No. But No has uses that go far
beyond protection and discipline. When we make fun of children saying No,
calling the age when they first learn to use that word the “terrible twos,”
we are missing the importance of the developmental work they are doing. For
this is when children are becoming autonomous and learning to create
boundaries. They are beginning to define who they are—and who they are not. If you listen carefully behind
their Nos—”No, I don’t want to eat that! No, I
don’t want to wear that! No, I don’t want to go there!”—what do you hear? “I
exist! I have a right to my own feelings. I have a right to my own opinions.
I am me.” A new being is announcing her independent existence. Learning to
say No is essential to the ongoing development of each human being. No is the key word in
defining your identity, your individuality, or, in organizational terms,
your brand. If you cannot say No, you do not have a brand, for your brand is
defined by what you say No to. No is a selection principle that allows you to
be who you are and not someone or something else. No gives you the
individuality and definition that make this world a richer place. Because No is the word we
use to express our power, the normal tendency is to overdo our Nos, so they come across as attacking—or to underdo our Nos, so they come
across as weak and hesitant. The challenge is to get it just right. How can
you be assertive without being aggressive? Let
Your No Flow The solution is to use what
might be called a natural No. A natural No is simple and
straightforward. It flows naturally and almost effortlessly from your Yes. I
remember hearing natural Nos from my daughter
Gabriela when she was small. “No” would just roll off her tongue as if it
were the most natural thing in the world. “No, I don’t want to talk right
now, Papi. I’m playing. Can I go now?” I would be
five thousand miles away in a jungle, having tramped miles to find a phone to
talk with her and having tried the line a half dozen times, but I always
found myself utterly disarmed because her No was so natural. It was
transparent, untamed by fear, unspoiled by anger. It was honest, clean, and
matter-of-fact. Nos get more difficult to say as we get
older and our emotions and motivations become more complex and our sense of
consequences more acute. But if you’ve followed the process this far, the
action is, in one sense, already over. You’ve done the essential preparatory
work. You are like an athlete who has trained hard. Now, during the race, it
is time to reap the rewards of that hard work. Let your No flow. Let it
flow from the Yes you have uncovered. Let it flow from the power you have
developed. Let it flow from the respect you have offered. In this way, your
No will be clear, committed, and clean. Let It Flow from Your Yes Perhaps the most important
thing to keep in mind as you say No is your Yes—the core interest, need, or
value you are seeking to protect. Remember that No Is just a different way of saying Yes. Consider how this mother
stands up for her child who has special needs when a teacher wants the child
to leave the class: TEACHER: I’m
sorry, Mrs. Taylor, but Courtney can’t stay in the humanities class. She
doesn’t belong there. MOTHER (in a matter-of-fact
tone): No. Courtney
has a right to be included with her peers. We will have to find a way to make
it work. TEACHER: But
she’s not keeping up. MOTHER: Courtney has challenges, but I assure you that she will do
the work. TEACHER: But
she got upset the other day by the work. MOTHER
(quiet and firm): The reason she got upset was because she was told that she
doesn’t belong in the class. Courtney stayed in the
class and did the work. The mother’s No flowed
naturally from her Yes—her desire to have her child feel
included. The mother did not attack the teacher, saying things like, “You are
discriminating against my daughter! You told her she didn’t belong in the
class.” Instead she stayed focused on protecting Courtney’s right to be included
with her peers in the classroom. The mother was not laying down the law or
driving a stake in the ground, but standing up strongly for her child. As this example
illustrates, a natural No is not a rigid and inflexible position, but rather
a firm stance that flows organically from your interests. Remember, you are
simply using the clarity~ specificity, and power of a No to communicate a Yes
to what matters. Imagine your
No not as a wall but rather as a
strong living boundary that
protects what is important. Whereas a wall creates a visual barrier between
the parties, a boundary allows the parties to see each other and stay
connected—while still setting firm limits. Ury has been involved in negotiations around
the globe for decades, and he shares the lessons from that experience on the
pages of The Power
of a Positive No. Steve Hopkins,
April 25, 2007 |
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Buy The
Power of a Positive No @ amazon.com |
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The recommendation rating for
this book appeared in the May 2007
issue of Executive Times URL for this review: http://www.hopkinsandcompany.com/Books/The
Power of a Positive No.htm For Reprint Permission,
Contact: Hopkins & Company, LLC • E-mail: books@hopkinsandcompany.com |
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