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Oh, No!
Serious Al Franken fans may love his new
book, Oh, the Things I Know, but all the rest of us might find a buried
chuckle or two, and be disappointed. Here’s all of Chapter 20, as a glimpse
of what to expect:
“Oh, The Books
You’ll Read!
This isn’t the only book you should read. There, I said it. How many authors
would admit that their books were bot so utterly comprehensive that they
eliminate the need for any other reading? This is, however, the only advice
book you should read. I know that because in doing the research for this
book, I’ve read all the others and frankly, they’re terrible.
Who is to blame? Not the publishers. They are simply satisfying a demand from
the public. No, the fault lies with you, the reader. You are the one who
demands quick fixes and comforting clichés. Sure, you’re terrific in many
ways. So don’t beat yourself up about your insatiable appetite for worthless self-help
books.
But if I may offer a word of advice, why not spend the time you waste reading
self-help books or listening to self-help tapes reading something more
worthwhile? For example, biographies. You can learn infinitely more about how
to live a meaningful life by reading a biography of someone who did, such as
Winston Churchill, than by reading How to Live a Meaningful Life by
Dr. Leonard and Arlene Shapiro.
For example, by reading a Churchill biography such as Churchill: A Study
in Greatness by Geoffrey Best, we learn how Churchill conquered his own
demons, particularly depression, in order to focus on a more urgent problem
at hand, preventing Hitler from conquering Great Britain. Self-help author
Dr. Wayne Dyer would describe Churchill’s arrogance, obstinacy, and
obsessiveness as his ‘erroneous zones.’ Yet, in fact, by reading a biography
you would learn that it was these very qualities than enabled him to triumph
over fascism.
Believe it or not, even a novel, particularly one recommended by Oprah and
her popular book club, is less a waste of time than reading a self-help book
like the Shapiro’s follow-up, How to Avoid Wasting Time. Novels can
broaden your perspective, take you somewhere in space and time you’ve never
been, and leave you breathless in admiration of the imaginative genius it
took to write them. Something you’ll never get from reading a book by the
Shapiros, even if they wrote a novel.
After biography, the most valuable nonfiction genre is political satire of
the sort practiced by me and Jonathan Swift. A book like Rush Limbaugh Is
A Big Fat Idiot, by me, can give you a measure of healthy contempt for
our so-called leaders while delivering an invigorating quota of
endorphin-releasing belly laughs.
Many people believe that reading poetry is good for the soul. Personally, I can’t
recommend poetry. I don’t have time to read anything that’s deliberately hard
to figure out. If I wanted to read something that didn’t make any sense, I’d
just read Maria Shriver’s book.
There’s also no reason to read plays unless you have to for school. See them
performed on stage. Or better yet. Rent the video or DVD. I know what you’re
thinking. ‘Can’t I just apply the same principle and watch a biography of
Churchill on the History Channel instead of reading a seven-hundred-page
book?’ No. Plats were meant to be performed or turned into videos. If you
want to watch a poetry video, go ahead. I’m not going to stop you. But good
luck finding one.
And just don’t confine your reading to books. Remember the newspaper. Unlike a
book, a newspaper contains up-to-the-minute information like your horoscope
and today’s ‘Beetle Bailey.’ And never forget, just reading the front page of
a newspaper can give you a pretty good idea of what’s going on in the world.
This is the real world, the world that you and I and everyone else lives in.
Get to know it. Because it’s unlikely you’ll ever live in any other.
Chapter Summary
You’re never too old to learn. Unless you have Alzheimer’s, in which case
you’re never too old to unlearn. Either way, continuing education should be a
life long mission. Many adults choose to return to school after their
children have left home. Others pursue a self-directed course of personal
improvement through reading biographies, novels, and calculus textbooks. It doesn’t
matter what you learn, just that you remain committed to learning. Make a
solemn pledge to learn at least one new thing a week. This week I’m going to
learn the names of the Great Lakes. Next week I’m learning Italian. But that’s
next week.”
You can hear Franken’s voice speaking
these words slowly, for maximum impact. Readers who like that voice and his
style of humor will find twenty-eight chapters in Oh, the
Things I Know, mostr of which are just like the one above. It may be that
this book is meant to be given, but not read. In that case, buy Oh, the
Things I Know for a graduate, but by no means bother reading even a page
or two, unless you’re a big Al Franken fan.
Steve Hopkins, September 25, 2002
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