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Executive Times |
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2005 Book Reviews |
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Crucial
Confrontations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny,
Ron McMillan and Al Switzler |
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Rating: ••• (Recommended) |
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Click on
title or picture to buy from amazon.com |
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Tools Crucial
Confrontations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny,
Ron McMillan and Al Switzler is a follow up to their
earlier book, Crucial
Conversations, and focuses on the most difficult of all conversations,
the confrontational ones when promises are broken, expectations are violated,
or someone expresses bad behavior. The authors draw on their observation of
thousands of hours of real life conversations and create tools to help
improve outcomes. The tools have been tested in training sessions
representing more thousands of hours of observation and analysis. Those who
like “how to” books and who want to be more prepared to be effective in
potential situations will find the tools helpful and useful. Here’s an excerpt, from the beginning
of Chapter 3, “Describe the Gap: How to Start a Crucial Confrontation,” pp. 83-90: I’M SORRY,
BUT MY OSMOSIS IS BROKEN You’ve picked out a
problem, decided to say something, and considered the possible influences
behind it; now you are about to take action. Before you do that, let’s be
clear. Almost nobody should be harboring the illusion that he or she has been
groomed to solve touchy and complicated interpersonal problems. Almost nobody
has. Here’s
a typical supervisory training regime. A hardworking and competent employee
is tapped on the shoulder on Friday afternoon (“Congratulations, you won the
supervisory lottery!”) and promoted to a job that starts Monday morning. Any
questions? And it’s not as if most employees have actually watched the way a
leader deals with touchy issues or failed promises. That kind of thing
happens behind closed doors. Of course, business
schools, the breeding ground for managers and vice presidents, rarely teach
anything about leadership. Most business school courses are about management
and entrepreneurship, not leadership. Occasionally classes cover the way
leaders should think but almost never what they should do. The
curriculum certainly doesn’t cover crucial confrontations. Professors and
students come face to face with crucial confrontations every few minutes,
but almost nobody teaches how to handle them. We don’t even want to
think about the preparation the average parent receives. Heaven forbid that
most of us should imitate the social skills of our own adult role models:
“Thanks, Mom. I was afraid I was going to miss out on how to paralyze people
with guilt, but you’ve taken time every single day to pass on an important
lesson or two.” Here’s the $64,000
question: How are leaders and parents supposed to have picked up the ability
to hold a simple goal-setting session, let alone tap-dance through a thorny
crucial confrontation? Through osmosis? If your influence
training has been as sketchy as everyone else’s, welcome to the club and be
sure to pay close attention. We’re about to share the best practices of
people who know how to walk up to someone and hold a genuine face-to-face
crucial confrontation. EXACTLY WHAT ARE WE CONFRONTING? Before we dare to open
our mouths, let’s make sure we’re thinking about the same topic. Exactly
what are we confronting? We’re stepping up to a: broken promise a gap; a difference
between what you expected and what actually happened Broken Promises, Missed Deadlines, and Bad Behaviors Of course, these gaps
include missed commitments, disappointed expectations, and bad behavior. As
far as this book is concerned, when we say gap, we mean gap, something
that might be hard or even risky to discuss. Anybody can sidle up to a
cheerful and eager employee and discuss a minor infraction. You don’t need a
book to take that kind of trivial action. Instead, as we suggested
in the first chapter, we’ll be exploring challenges such as the following:
What’s the best way to confront your boss for micromanaging you? How do you
talk to a friend about backbiting? How do you tell a doctor she’s not doing
her job? What does it take to discipline a violent employee? We call these crucial
confrontations because the stakes are high. Handle them poorly and you
could lose a job, a friend, or a limb. Know What
Not to Do We’ll start our exploration of ways to
initiate a crucial confrontation by sharing what we’ve learned from
observing people who had the guts to step up to a problem but then quickly
failed. After all, knowing what not to do is half the battle. Don’t Play Games The first technique is the result of
good intentions and bad logic. It’s called sandwiching. You honestly believe
that you have two equally poor options (and no other choices). You can stay
quiet and keep the peace, or you can be honest and hurt someone’s feelings.
You use sandwiching in an earnest effort to be both nice and honest. To
soften the violent blow, you first say something complimentary, next you
bring up the problem, and then you close with something complimentary again.
Here is an example. “Hey, Bob,
good-looking briefcase. By the way, do you know anything about the ten grand
missing from our retirement fund? Love the haircut.” A close cousin to this
circuitous technique takes the form of a surprise attack. A leader starts a
conversation in a chatty tone, makes pleasant small talk, and then suddenly
moves in for the kill. The most unpleasant of
these backhanded approaches is unadulterated entrapment—where one person
lures the other into denying a problem, only to punish him or her for lying.
It sounds something like this: “How were things at
school today?” “Fine. Same old stuff” “Fine! The principal
called and said you started a food fight in the cafeteria. Is that supposed
to be fine?” Most people despise these
indirect techniques. They’re dishonest, manipulative, and insulting. They’re
also quite common. Don’t Play
Charades Rather than come right
out and talk about a problem, many people rely on nonverbal hints and subtle
innuendo. They figure that’s faster and safer than actually talking about a
problem. Some deal almost exclusively in hints. For instance, to make their
point, they frown, smirk, or look concerned. When somebody’s late, they
glance at their watches. This vague approach is fraught with risk. People may
get the message, but what if they misinterpret the nonverbal hints? Besides,
how are you supposed to document your actions? “February
10, 2 p.m. Raised my right eyebrow three centimeters. Employee nodded
knowingly and started back to work.” Don’t
Pass the Buck Some leaders erroneously
believe that they can play the role of good cop if only they can find a way
to transform their boss into the bad cop. Parents play the same game by
bad-mouthing or blaming their mates. By being the “pleasant one,” they argue,
they’re more likely to stay on civil terms with their direct reports or
children. Here’s the kind of stunt they pull: “I know you don’t want to work
late, but the big guy says that if you don’t, we’ll write you up. If! had my way, we’d all go home early for the holiday
weekend.” This strategy is
disloyal, dishonest, and ineffective. Anyone who wasn’t raised by wolves can
see through it. Nothing undermines your authority more than blaming someone
else for requesting what you would be asking for if you had any guts. If you
repeat this mistake, it won’t be long before you’re seen as irrelevant—merely
a messenger, and a cowardly one at that. Don’t Play Read My
Mind If you scour the
bookstores, eventually you may stumble across a few problem-solving texts
that make the following suggestion: Since people benefit from
learning on their own, don’t come right out and tell them about the actual
infraction that has you concerned. Instead, allow room for “self-discovery.”
Make the guilty person guess what’s on your mind. Here’s what this can look
like: “Well,
Carmen, why do you think I called you in so bright and early this morning?” “I
don’t know, is it because I crashed the company car?” “Nope.” “Hmmm, was it because I sabotaged the phone
system?” “Wrong
again.” “Is
it because. . .“ This tactic is as
irritating as it is ineffective. Despite good intentions, asking others to
read your mind typically comes off as extremely patronizing or manipulative. Learn from the Best For every person we
watched play games and fail, we were privileged to observe a skilled parent,
supervisor, or manager in action. These people were something to behold. When
we first chose to tag along after top performers, we were surprised to see
how similar their styles were, independent of the industry. We expected to
find muted, even sensitive behavior in high-tech firms, universities, and
banks, but we anticipated something quite different in mines, foundries, and
factories. We were wrong. Remember Melissa, the frontline supervisor in the
plywood mill? She found a way to be both honest and respectful and
quickly became the most effective leader in the plant. To be honest, when we
first watched Melissa, we thought that her style was—how does one say
it?—gender-specific. So we asked if we could watch one of the mill’s rather
large and scary male supervisors, but one who relied on interpersonal skills
rather than threats, abuse, and intimidation. True to what we had
learned about Melissa, Buford (the first hard-hat honcho we trailed) looked
far more like Mr. Rogers than Mr. T. Despite the fact that the facility
appeared to have been prefabricated in hell, Buford’s style and demeanor
could have fit easily into a white-collar boardroom. He acted far more like a
schoolteacher than like the abusive leaders who surrounded him. When we asked the plant
manager why he thought Melissa and Buford were the best of the best, he said
something we’ll never forget: “It’s easy to find a leader who creates warm
and lasting relationships but who struggles to get things done. It’s not much
harder to find a no-nonsense, hard-hitting leader who you might send in to
put out a fire but who creates hard feelings. Consequently, when you find
someone who can manage both people and production, you’ve got a real gem.” How did these two skilled
professionals solve problems while building relationships? How did they start
a crucial confrontation? We’re not sure how they came to have the same
understanding, but it didn’t take us long to realize that the skilled leaders
and parents we were studying had somehow managed to stumble onto the same
exquisitely simple yet important principles. DESCRIBE THE GAP To ensure that you set
the right tone during the first few seconds of a crucial confrontation, don’t
shoot from the hip. Don’t charge into a situation, kick rears, take names,
and let the chips fall where they may. Instead, carefully describe the gap.
Here’s how: • Start
with safety. • Share
your path. • End
with a question. Start with
Safety When another person has let you down,
start the confrontation by simply describing the gap between what was
expected and what was observed: “You said you were going to have your room
cleaned before dinner. It’s nine o’clock and it’s still not done.” Don’t play games, merely
describe the gap. Describing what was expected versus what was observed is
clear and simple, and it helps you get off on the right foot. For the most part, this
is how you’ll begin a crucial confrontation. However, if you have reason to
believe that the other person will feel threatened or intimidated or insulted
by the mere mention of the broken promise, you’ll need to take steps to
ensure that he or she feels safe—no matter the topic. As we suggested earlier,
we watched skilled individuals talk about incompetence, mistrust, and even
embezzling, and the conversations, though not pleasant, ended successfully.
Then we watched less skilled individuals raise something as trivial as
arriving five minutes late to a meeting and the confrontation degenerated
into a shouting match. As we tried to understand
these apparent contradictions, we finally realized what was happening. The Big
Surprise At the foundation of
every successful confrontation lies safety. When others feel frightened or
nervous or otherwise unsafe, you can’t talk about anything. But if you can
create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything—even
about failed promises. Of course, the more
controversial and touchy the issue is, the more challenging the confrontation
will be. Nevertheless, if you maintain a safe climate, others will hear and
consider what you’re saying. They may not like it, but they’ll be able to
absorb it. Make it safe for people, and they won’t need to go to silence or violence. Let’s take a look at what
it takes to create and maintain a safe climate, regardless of the person or
topic. Let’s examine how to open our mouths and talk about a violated
expectation when we’re suspicious that the other person might become defensive
or upset. Everyone
enters into Crucial
Confrontations. Readers who want to increase the odds of more positive
outcomes from those confrontations will benefit from many of the tools and
ideas in Crucial
Confrontations. Steve Hopkins,
February 25, 2005 |
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ã 2005 Hopkins and Company, LLC The recommendation rating for
this book appeared in the March 2005
issue of Executive Times URL for this review: http://www.hopkinsandcompany.com/Books/Crucial
Confrontations.htm For Reprint Permission,
Contact: Hopkins & Company, LLC • E-mail: books@hopkinsandcompany.com |
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